Ratchet's Talking Wrench
by SomeOneYouDon'tKnow LOLZ
Summary: Ratchet...talking wrenches...the twins plus jazz...a prank... and 4 mechs cosplaying? Need I say more? Mostly a crack-fic, right there.


**Hi! Okay, LOLZ here, 'nd yeah. Anyways, I just wanted to do a little one-shot for Transformers, 'cause it's awesome! So, here you go and I hope you enjoy! PLEASE R&R**

**Unfortunately, I do not own Transformers or anything else that could be licensed in this story.**

**I'm really hoping I didn't make this too cracky...Although, there certainly will be cracky or random things during the story =)**

**Plot~**

**Ratchet has many tools, but there's still that one tool that he'd cherish until the end. Now...tell me what happens when that special tool starts to...talk? And why do Ratchet plus three other mechs end up cosplaying? Yup, mostly a crack fic right in there.**

* * *

><p><strong>Legend~<strong>

_"Personal thoughts" _or when somebody talks with _emotion_

**:Comm link:**

**(POV'S~) or when Ratchet's wrench is "talking." or a time skip or more emotion**

_Flashback~  
>Words inbetweenduring flashback.  
><em>_  
><em>

"Normal speak" or present time

And that's pretty much it =D

* * *

><p><strong>Ratchet's Talking Wrench<strong>

**Normal POV~**

The corridors and rooms of the NEST Autobot base lay loud and definitely not serene, although it was to a certain medic's dismay. But...that certain medic wasn't even in the room where it was the most crazy and lively...or at least that's what it seemed like.

"Just leave it to 30-foot giant robots to know how to throw an epic, yet awesome party, huh people!" Epps yelled, dancing in beat to the music. He had his eye on the three other humans that were there, who were probably closer to the autobots then he was. But, hey, why miss out on a perfectly good party? Got any reasons? Of course not!

Sam laughed, swaying his body to the blasting sounds of the music. He looked back at Epps, and grinned. "Yeah, I never even knew autobots knew how to party!"

"Especially not as good as this," Lennox added, bobbing his head to the music.

Mikaela simply smirked and stayed in tune to dancing with Sam. Although, there still was that little question that lingered in her mind, which was kind of unusual. But, she asked the guys anyways.

"By the way," She started, getting Sam, Lennox, and Epp's attentions away from the party, "Who even arranged this whole thing anyways? And what's it even for?" She asked with a certain ring to her voice, while still keeping in tune to dancing.

Sam stopped dancing for a moment and rested his head on his hand, which was curled up into a fist. He seemed to be thinking for a moment before he snapped his fingers and finally answered, "Now, don't call us stupid for just trying to enjoy a simple party (we so _do_ deserve after the war)," he mused, "But since I don't know how to answer your question, let's go ask 'Bee."

"Yeah..." Lennox started, but was soon distracted by the figure of his beautiful wife Sarah (who didn't usually come to the base at this time) across the room, waving to him with his now 2-year-old daughter in her arms.

"You go do that," Epps snickered, "Lover-boy and I will just be here. Make sure to tell us what Bumblebee says, 'kay?"

"Yeah." Sam and Mikaela answered in unison before walking to 'Bee, who in return to their friendly gestures of waving and grins, bobbed his head to the music rhythmically and lowered his hand for them to climb on.

He raised his hand to his optic level and tilted his head and stared at their amused faces, as if asking, _'So, what's up, ya' guys?"_

Sam was the first to start, "So 'Bee, you never really got to telling us why this party was thrown anyways."

Bumblebee blinked for a couple of seconds in comprehension, before answering, "Well, that depends. How much time ya' got?" He asked happily with his recently-fixed voice processors.

Mikaela looked around the room, seeing all the people dance and laugh and chat, and simply shrugged before answering, "We got a lot of time on our hands. So, shoot, tell us!"

'Bee chuckled slightly before walking towards the wall, leaning on it. He lowered his hand to the autobot-sized food table where Sam and Mikaela got onto. Then, the young autobot put one of his servos around his mouthplates, stroking them slightly in thought (a gesture he picked up from the humans), his processor working his data banks, thinking back to a couple earth hours ago, which was the beginning of all of this.

"Okay, I got it. Now, you guys sit back and get comfortable, 'cause this might take a while." He said, glancing at the two fleshlings below him who did exactly what he said by sitting down on the over-sized table.

"Okay, so this all started a week ago when Sunstreaker and Sideswipe-"

"Woah, woah, woah! Back up!" Sam interrupted, flailing his arms around, before continuing with a highly amused tone, "Sunstreaker and Sideswipe? _The_ twin terrors?"

Mikaela snickered, "What'd they do this time?"

Bumblebee simply grinned from audio receptor-to-audio receptor and continued on. "Well, about a week ago, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had gotten into a.._fight_..."

* * *

><p><em><strong>(Normal POV~) <strong>Flashback~_

_Bumblebee had simply been strolling around the NEST autobot base while he was offshift, or in other words: He had no work and was completely and utterly bored._

_He was actually considering going to recharge for the rest of the day, even though it was only 1:00 in the afternoon. Air blew out from his vent in a transformers-version of a fleshling's sigh._

_"I wish that something exciting would happen today, please Primus, give me a sign that something good will happen!" Bumblebee pleaded, actually looking to the ceiling for an answer, but he wasn't really expecting for an answer back. His optics shuddered in laziness._

_But wait. He just remembered. He still had one more option!_

_Bumblebee headed for the rec room of the autobot base. He knew that that room would never be empty, and it's usually the most lively of all the rooms in that secret government base._

_Walking into the rec room as leisurely as possible, Bumblebee chirped happily as he saw some of his most-favourite mechs lounging about on the gargantuan-sized couch._

_His favourite pair of twins; Sideswipe and Sunstreaker._

_"Hey, 'Bee!" Sideswipe greeted with a wave of his servo._

_"Hi." Sunstreaker mumbled. But oh no, it's not like Sunny wasn't that fond of Bumblebee, it was just that he had a reputation to maintain afterall. It's not like you'd just find Sunstreaker greeting Bumblebee with a friendly smile and wave._

_If that happened, that would mean the universe was going to end. And nobody would want that to happen now would we?_

_Bumblebee simply grinned and stood in front of the two mechs. "So, watcha' guys doin?'"_

_"Oh little, 'Bee. Now, you're just asking the wrong question. It's not what we are doing right now. It's what will be happening..." Sideswipe smirked, with that mischievous glint in his eye he'd always get before or during a prank._

_Sunstreaker, following Sideswipe's lead, also smirked and simply crossed his arms over his chest smugly._

_Bumblebee rolled his optics amused, "Okay, what'd you do this time?" He asked, his curiosity getting the better of him._

_"Well, let's just say, we got Ratchet-" Sideswipe started, until he was rudely hit in the chassis by his other half, literally getting the wind knocked out of him. His vents wheezed before he glared at his twin. "What the slag was that for pit spawned fragger?"_

_'What happened to that happy-go-lucky mood of his?' Bumblebee thought wearily._

_Sunstreaker simply returned Sideswipe's glare with an equally annoyed scowl across his face plates. "You glitch-head! Now tell me why we would just tell 'Bee out here in public!"_

_Sideswipe retorted, "Oh please, bro! You're just jealous!"_

_"Of what?" Sunstreaker asked confused, yet annoyed. Both mechs completely forgetting the other black and yellow mech's presence before them._

_If Bumblebee could be sweatdropping right now, he so would be._

_The silver mech's smirk just grew wider before answering his irritable brother's question, "You're just jealous...'cause I'mma hotter than ya' dude!"_

_The yellow twin seemed taken aback, but not for too long. He ended up growling and responding, "Just because you say 'Damn, I'm good' doesn't mean you are!"_

_Bumblebee sighed as this bickering went on for a couple of breems, before 'Bee found himself suddenly roughhousing with the two taller and bigger mechs._

_Although, it was a playful kind of roughhouse...that is until Sunstreaker clawed at Sideswipe's face plates as reflex to whenever he was fighting. In the process, 'Bee was thrown out of the little tussle and against the wall, leaving quite a big dent._

_He groaned, getting up and rubbed his aching door wings that took a lot of the impact._

_"Pit-spawned glitch-head!" Sideswipe growled._

_Sunstreaker immediately kneed his twin in the tanks and got him square in the face before rolling ontop of him, and was just about to finish him off. The violent twin finally smirked sadistically and raised his servo (which was curled into a fist), and asked, "Any last words, brethren?"_

_Sideswipe's face went completely poker as he just stared coldly at his brother, his optics dimming slightly. He opened his mouth plates very slightly, and whispered, "Yeah... a couple actually."_

_Sideswipe took his brother by the shoulder, clenching it tightly as he kneed his brother right in, what the humans call, 'their crotch plate.' Hard. "Don't get too cocky, Sunny." He teased._

_The yellow mech immediately doubled over in pain and hissed as Sides stood up, towering over him, with a victorious grin on his face. As Sideswipe was about to turn around, and walk away to try and talk to Bumblebee, Sunstreaker thrashed his leg forward violently, making his twin practically do a backflip and land on his aft._

_"Urgh..." Sides groaned, rubbing his backside, "My poor little aft!"_

_"Stop...whin-czzzttt" Sunstreaker's voice was so high pitched that his voice processor's were forced off and now there was only static._

_"Now...**that** must hurt." Bumblebee winced as Sunstreaker doubled over in pain once again, pounding his servo against the ground as if he was going to die right then and there. Although, Bumblebee couldn't help but chuckle a little bit as he said this next part. "Well, at least we know that now there won't be any little Sunstreakers running around."_

_Sunny just growled and hissed in response._

_Sideswipe, on the other hand, was also in pain. He wanted to purge his tanks, probably because he had just seen the huge dent Sunny's knee made in the middle of his stomach/tan area._

_Bumblebee sighed once again, and decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. And yes, this was a desperate time for he had never seen the twins in so much pain that they couldn't even curse._

_"RATCHET!" Bumblebee called._

* * *

><p>"Woah, that was <em>intense<em>." Sam commented, as he finally got a word in after Bumblebee practically rambled that whole flashback out.

Mikaela nodded her head, laughing. "Well, it's not a surprise that the twins had gotten into a fight. But, man. What was with that? Are they really stupid enough to get into a fight about who was hotter? I mean...can you even decide that between two alien robots? ROBOTS."

Bumblebee just shrugged and went on pondering his processor for what happened after that.

"Okay, so after I had called Ratchet-" Bumblebee tried to continue, but was interrupted when two familiar soldiers had walked over.

"Yo, people!" Epps greeted in the most friendly way possible.

Lennox followed Epps and started excitedly, "So how's the story going?"

Sam grinned widely, and answered, "It's hilarious so far!"

"In what ways?" Epps asked curiously.

"Imagine," Mikaela announced, over dramatically, stepping back into Bumblebee's lowered servo, "A world...where violent warriors are suddenly kicked in the nuts by their twin brothers who in return puke their guts out!"

Lennox and Epps chuckled at her public display of hilarity.

Bumblebee felt ignored, and he _certainly_ didn't like that. He shook his servo slightly, enough to get Mikaela to stumble and fall, but not enough to hurt her.

On her aft, she glared at Bumblebee, who just tilted his head to the side and blinked innocently, as if to say, _'What? What did I do wrong?'_

Of course, Mikaela being Mikaela, she didn't buy it. Bumblebee grinned sheepishly and placed Mikaela back onto the table.

Epps cleared his throat awkwardly, while Lennox had his arms crossed over his chest.

"Well, since we were taking a break from partying, we thought that maybe we could get in on some of the story, huh 'Bee?" Lennox asked, a clear smirk on his face.

Bumblebee nodded his head, and leaned back against the wall.

"Now..where was I? Oh right!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>(Ratchet's POV~) <strong>Flashback~_

_It was around 2:00 pm in the afternoon according to earth times. I grumbled annoyed as I organized my medical tools in such a complicated system, none of you squishies will **ever** understand._

_I was about to apply the last tool according to my system, when the med bay's doors swished open._

_"Hey, Ratch," I heard an all too familiar voice call, "Yah got some time tah spare?"_

_I groaned irritably, "What did you do **this** time, Jazz?" I accused. This bot has been in here one-too-many times._

_"Hehe," He chuckled, then smiled sheepishly, "Well...I was 'n da rec room, when 'Bee and da twins started to roughhouse - a little **too** rough, may I add - 'nd I was only able to help, when it all ended. Sunny took a hit to the...interfacing panel... and Sides was purging his tanks out. Oh, 'nd I'mma pretteh sure 'Bee got hurt, too."_

_I groaned. 'Great, just three more nuisances to add to my life.' Then, I ran a scan of Jazz, and found out his knee was leaking energon. I saw him wince when the energon flowed down to his ped. Sighing, I patted the vacant berth next to me, motioning for him to sit. He complied with ease, besides that little limp in his step._

_I grabbed the necessary tools, and immediately got to work on his knee. "So how does the twin's situation apply to you?" I asked, trying to avoid an awkward silence._

_"But, aren't you goin' tah help them-"_

_I growled, implying that it would be wiser is Jazz would shut it. I know that he's a caring bot, and I'm quite fond of him for that, but couldn't he be selfish just this once so that he'd stop fidgeting and I could work in peace?_

_After two breems, I had gotten everything done on his knee. I disconnected a few wires, past his armor, at the back of his knee join and injected a mild pain reliever to do the rest._

_I asked once again the same question, standing up and going back to my tools. "So how'd this happen to you?"_

_He flashed me a grin again and rubbed the back of his head before continuing, "I was helping Sunny get 'ere, his arm ova meh shoulder, as he was pretteh much doubled ova in pain."_

_I nodded in undertanding, urging him to go on._

_"But, while we were walkin' 'ere, since Sunny had to double ova' in pain, 'cause he couldn't take it 'nymore, and we both fell ova!' 'nd another bad thin' was dat we were behind 'Bee, who was helpin' Sides, 'nd dey ended up fallin' ova, too so...yeah, I skidded meh knee."_

_"Well, as long as you have a **reasonable** explanation," I snorted, sarcastically. I wish I was there to see the look on the twins' faces. But, my medic side taking over, I decided to get down to business. "So, where are those troublesome twins-"_

**_:RATCHET!:_**

_I just had too ask. I groaned, and mentally facepalmed myself for pretty much jinxing it._

**_:Yes, Bumblebee?:_**

**_:Ratchet! We have a situation! Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are-:_**

**_:Yes, I know. Jazz told me. Sorry, for taking so long, but I had to help Jazz.:_**

_There was silence on the link for a second, before you could mentally feel Bumblebee smirk. _**_:And you wanted vengeance on the twins for all their pranks, too, huh?:_**

_I smirked myself. **:Maybe...:**_

_I heard static and a wheeze over the line._

**_:Bumblebee, are you okay? Was that you?:_**

**_:Nah, I'm fine.:_**

_I started to worry. **:Okay, don't worry, I'll be there in less than a breem.:**_

_Running down the hallway, I soon found the twins and Bumblebee. It wasn't hard, I mean, all I had to do was follow the pained groans and irritable snaps of the twins, and the tired groans of Bumblebee, who at this point, had given up on them._

_"Well, well, what do we have here?" I towered over them, with my servos on my hips. A very smug smirk made its way to my face plates._

_"Ratch..." Sideswipe groaned, holding his servos to his tanks, "...urgh..."_

_I simply shrugged and looked at Sunstreaker who was curled up into a ball. He was probably doubled over from the pain. I sighed._

_"Ratchet..." Bumblebee put his servo on my shoulder and gave me that innocent look that I couldn't help but pity._

_I gave him a small, warm smile of reassurance and scanned him. He only had a minor wound on his door wing, so he should be fine. Unfortunately, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe's 'needs' were more urgent._

_"Come, young one. Help me bring these two troublemakers into the med bay, so I can work on them." He nodded as he helped Sideswipe up and headed to the med bay._

_I glowered over Sunstreaker as he was barely still onlined, his servos over his hurting 'area.' I couldn't drag all that weight to the med bay._

"..."

**_:IRONHIDE!:_**_ I growled over the comm. link._

* * *

><p><strong>Normal POV~<strong>

At this point, little chuckles and giggles had turned into guffawing and mad laughing fits. The four humans were laughing to the point it hurt.

Between laughs, Sam managed to say a few words, "Oh...GOD! That...was..."

He burst out into laughter once again as Bumblebee himself emitted a few chuckles from his voice processors.

"Shall I continue?" He asked, a grin making its way onto his face plates.

All four humans steadied themselves and relaxed again. "Yes, please!" They exclaimed happily.

"Okay then, so Ironhide had-"

"Yo, 'Bee!" A familiar voice called over to them, "Prime needs tah' talk t'ya!"

"But, Jazz! I was just tellin' 'em," Bumblebee motioned his head to the four confused organics, "About what had happened to Ratchet."

Jazz immediately smirked deviously, but then sighed, remembering the urgency in Optimus' voice when he had called for Bumblebee. "Unfortunately, 'Bee, da bossbot really needs tah see ya.'"

Bumblebee's shoulders and door wings drooped slightly in disappointment.

"Aw, common' 'Bee, don't give me dat puppeh-dog look, 'cuz you know it ain't gonna work on meh."

Bumblebee only intensified his innocent look by pouting and tilting his head.

Jazz hesitated, but instead pushed Bumblebee towards the exit, to the four humans' dismay.

"Jazz!" Epps complained, "You just pushed our storyteller away!"

Jazz chuckled, "What's dis? Was 'e your bedtime story teller 'r somethin?'"

Mikaela scoffed, making the other three humans laugh.

"Don't worry, guys." Jazz reassured them, leaning onto the wall 'Bee previously was on, "Lemme tell ya' da rest."

"You know?" Will asked skeptically.

"Hey, you can get a lot of information about certain things when you got skills like meh!" Jazz defended.

"Oh just get on with the story, will you!" Sam urged.

"Alright, alright. Okay...so, 'Bee was talkin' 'bout 'Hide, right? So, he ran ova' to where Ratch, 'nd Sun-bun were..."

* * *

><p><strong><em>(Ratchet's POV~) <em>**_Flashback~_

_Ironhide eventually made his way over to where Sunstreaker and I were, and almost fell over, laughing._

_"Wow, Sunny. Never knew that you liked yourself **this** much." He teased._

_"That was lame." I snickered._

_"Oh shut your mouth plates."  
><em>

_"Will **SOMEBODY** just help me already?" Sunstreaker pleaded, well, more like demanded desperately._

_I savored this moment, glancing at Ironhide who had a complete look of horror on his face._

_"PIT. NO." He immediately refused._

_I groaned. 'What a hardaft.' I thought._

_"Ironhide, come on! Don't be such a sparkling." I taunted._

_Ironhide uncharacteristically crossed his arms over his chest and made a slight scowl at me - only intensifying my theory of him acting like a sparkling._

_I raised an optic ridge at him and smirked. He huffed knowingly._

_"I don't..."_

_"IRONHIDE!" I finally yelled, "He is in **critical** condition!" I crossed my arms over my chest angrily, "And I have a feeling you're not in the mood of meeting my wrench right now."_

_His optics widened at the mentioning of my tools and he swung Sunstreaker over his shoulder...potato-sack position._

_"GAH!" Sunstreaker squeaked in pain as Ironhide did this, and he made a beeline towards my med bay._

_Chuckling, I made my way over there, too. 'I love my power!' I thought, you could say...almost sadistically._

**_60 earth minutes later, after fixing the two twins~_**

_I glared at the two twins who were in my med bay once again. "Now you two...three," I corrected myself, looking over at Jazz, "Stay out of trouble, or I will be sure to make some very large dents in all of your processors that I will NOT be repairing!"_

_All three mechs nodded their heads hesitantly._

_I sighed. 'Might as well go and get some paperwork done then...' I mused, finally being able to relax a little after repairing the three mechs._

_Heading into my office, which was just one doorway apart from the med bay, I settled in the chair by my desk._

_Sighing in relief, I picked up a data pad that I had on stand by from before. It was about the inventory of the medical supplies we currently have and whatnot._

_"**"Little fragger!"**_

_I heard a little voice yell. S__wiftly turning my head around, searching for the source of the voice that just insulted me._

_"Who is it? Who are you?" I demanded._

**_"Who do you THINK it is, you old glitch-head?"_**

_"Who are you calling a glitch-head, fragger?" I stood up, alarmed._

**_"Hah!"_**

_"Okay, that's it..." I growled, walking over to my tool box. I had all my tools aligned in my special system, and there it was..._

_The special wrench. The one I only use when I'm seriously in a bad mood or just fraggen' planning revenge._

_I smirked, as I pick up the beautiful tool, and placed it in my palm, and remembered the time this beauty landed a good one right inbetween Ironhide's optics. Whoo, that was one heck of a dent that I'd had to repair._

**_"You know...I kinda admire you. You seem powerful."_**

_I was kind of surprised that this voice was complimenting me. "Uh..thanks, I guess."_

_**_"Yeah, I mean you've got the perfect weapon - yer face! It's probably gotten tons of 'cons running for the hills!"_**  
><em>

_I snarled as I realized I was tricked._

_"Shuddup, ya' little fragger."_

**_"Slaggen 'con spy!"_**

_"Glitch-head!"_

**_"Pit spawned crazy 'bot!"_**

_"For the love of Primus, will you just-"_

**_"Fraggen pit spawned piece of scrap aft-headed glitchen slagger!"_**

_I roared in frustration, throwing the wrench at the wall in the process. "Frag," I cursed as I saw the giant crack in the wall. "Optimus is going to give me pit for this..."_

**_"Owww... Frag! Why'd you have to do that?"_**

_I tilted my head in confusion, but snarled out to no particular bot (because I do not even know where this voice is coming from), "What?"_

**_"Why did you throw me at the fraggen wall like that?"_**

_"What the slag do you mean?"_

**_"You know full well what I mean, Ratchet! I'm your slaggen prized-wrench, but how do you treat me? Oh, that's right! You just throw me at anything you can find! I don't even get to help you fix or repair anybody..."_**

_This cannot be happening right? My own wrench is talking to me...and it has feelings?_

_I picked up the wrench, which had fallen on the floor after the impact at the wall, and murmured softly, yet hesitantly._

_"I'm...sorry?" It came out more like a question._

**_"So what? You think just an apology is going to just make all the pain and neglect I've been feeling go away?"_**

_"You're a fraggen wrench! An inanimate object that isn't alive or has feelings!" I blurted out, completely perplexed by this whole situation. Yes, I was confused, but still COMPLETELY annoyed at the same time._

**_"...That hurts, Ratchet..."_**

I physically facepalmed and put the wrench on my desk. Rubbing my face plating in frustration, I looked back at the wrench. Scanning it, I couldn't find any kind of life force or anything!

I heard a small whimper and looked outside the doorway, into the med bay.

And sure enough, there were my three least favourite mechs in the world.

"Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Jazz..." I raised an optic ridge at them in suspicion, "...everything alright?"

Jazz grinned at me widely, making me scowl at him in return. Sideswipe gave me an innocent look, but I couldn't find any mischievous look in his optic, so I didn't make anything out of it. Sunstreaker scowled at me, making me just glare at him.

Hm...nothing seems out of sorts.

I went back into the office and closed the door, locking it shut.

"Okay...so your a talking wrench. If this is actually true, and it's not another one of my nightmares, then why haven't you talked any of the other times I had you with me?"

**"Well...we were always with someone before, but now, it's just us!"**

"Okay...well, then, explain to me," I paused for a brief moment, picking up the wrench once again and scanning it just in case, "..explain to me why you don't have a life force."

**"Did...Did you just scan me?"**

I huffed, glaring at the wrench. "What's it to you?"

**"I feel so...violated."** I could hint the tone of disgust in it's voice, as I rolled my optics.

Literally feeling the wrench shiver in my servo's grip, I dropped it back on the desk creeped-out and backed up all the way to the door. My servo, on the doorknob, ready to dash out any second.

**"Ratch...you gotta stop dropping me like that..."**

I just stared wide-opticed at the thing on my desk.

Okay...I've battled Decepticons, dealt with a raging Ironhide, survived the twin's pranks, repaired a really severed Jazz, but I'm creeped out, because my own fraggen wrench is talking to me? My life is a mess...

"Okay...are you going to go away or am I going to have to do something about this?" I asked, desperately, just hoping the piece of scrap would just leave me alone!

You could practically hear the smirk through the wrench's voice, **"Oh, I think I've got an idea of what you could do..."**

* * *

><p><strong>Normal POV~<strong>

"Uh...Jazz..." Sam started as the saboteur finally stopped in the story. "How do you even know all that?"

"I got meh ways, like ah said before," He smirked at Sam.

Mikaela was pretty confused, but amused at the same time, "I can't believe Ratchet was talking to a wrench..."

Epps cut in, "And is a talking wrench even possible?"

"I have no idea, but how does this story even add up to why this party was thrown?" Lennox asked.

Jazz's smirk just grew even wider as he was about to answer their questions, but was interrupted by a drum roll and the music stopping.

"Oh, I gotta' feelin' y'all 're gonna find out, now." He replied simply.

'Bots and humans alike stopped their dancing, and turned to this stage that had seemed to come out of nowhere. But what had all of them gaping at the scene on stage was probably the most amusing thing they'd ever seen in their life.

"Oh," Mikaela started, her jaw almost dropping to the ground.

"My," Epps gaped, his eyes almost popping out of his skull.

"Primus," Will finished, as he was in the same state as Epps.

"Uh...I think Ratch has finally lost it..." Sam stated, he being a mix of how Mikaela, Epps, and Will reacted.

There, on the stage. Was Ratchet, _the Hatchet_, in an over-sized nurse's costume and he had the wrench on a throne. It had it's own little crown and bejeweled necklace and all that. Ratchet seemed **_veeerrryyyy _**p-ssed off and had a scowl, glare, you name it - anything but happiness and joy on his face plates.

Then, all of a sudden, a huge banner came down, which read, _"Sorry Wrench, Please Forgive Me. Deepest Apologies...Hatchet."_

You could physically hear Ratchet groan as he tried to forget the fact that the whole base was staring at him in a nurse's costume. Yes, the femme one, with the _skirt_. Oh, but no, don't worry it was nothing perverted or anything. It was all just very, very...amusing.

"Kuh.." Came a scoff-like chuckle from Epps.

"Gmmgh-" Came a choked laugh from Will.

Now it was Mikaela's turn to restrain from laughing.

Oh, and there goes Sam falling over from the sight, unable to contain his laughter. That was the trigger, and all four humans laughed harder than they ever had before in their lives.

"Hey!" Ratchet accused as he saw Sam guffaw.

Mikaela's turn to fall over laughing.

Ratchet fumed in anger, "Mikaela Banes-"

Now Epps.

"Would you guys please have some clas-"

And there goes Will.

"OH COMMON!" He finally bellowed in rage.

Jazz was simply in the same state as the four humans were, except for the fact that he still had yet to fall.

**"I NOW PRESENT TO YOU: RATCHET THE HATCHET!"** The wrench 'yelled' as the autobots stood wide-opticed.

Although, all the humans had already burst into laughter.

Sam was barely able to say inbetween his enormous guffaws of laughter, "Why...aren't you guys...laughing?"

"Wait for it.." Jazz encouraged.

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe high-fived as they started making remarks about Ratchet and his outfit.

As they were rudely commenting on Ratchet's outfit, the medic's fans had clicked on in embarrassment, trying to cool down his frame, which sent them into fits of laughter, similar to the ones the humans were still in currently.

"Oh...Primus!" Sunstreaker laughed hysterically, curling into a ball in his fit of laughter. Seemingly similar to when he had hurt his..err, area.

"HAH!" Sideswipe doubled over laughing, "Ratchet...you're...HILARIOUS!"

"Fraggen pit spawned..." Ratchet started, a long list of Cybertronian curses shortly following. "You mechs...**YOU DID THIS?**"

That sent the whole room trembling as bots and humans alike tried to keep their guffawing, laughing, out-right snorts - you name it - under control.

"Fools..." Ratchet growled before stomping out of the room, skirt in place.

"Fraggen...SKIRT!" Mudflap pretty much wheezed out because he wanted to laugh, but they came out with so much force that it was hard to...if that even makes any sense...

Skids was outright laughing, thinking about the fact that the other set of twins had actually been able to get _THE HATCHET_ into a _SKIRT_!

As for everyone else...

Well, all the femmes were bunched together in a group where the laughter was eagerly welcomed, the majority of the mechs were on the ground trying to get their laughter under control (which obviously wasn't going to happen anytime soon), and the humans were starting to cough, wheeze, or start to tear-up from the shear force of laughing.

Bumblebee and Optimus (who had come in exactly when Ratchet revealed himself) were in shock, but soon 'Bee was on the ground with both sets of twins who were laughing their afts off and surprisingly, Optimus was laughing, too. Jazz and Ironhide were not holding back one bit as both seemed to double over in pain/laughter at the very thought and site of Ratchet in this condition.

"How...did...this even...happen?" Bumblebee managed between laughs.

Sideswipe literally slapped himself so he could tell the story.

He smirked before starting his tale, "Well..."

* * *

><p><em><strong>(Sideswipe's POV~) <strong>Flashback~_

_I smirked at my brother as Ratchet closed his door after checking up on us._

_"Sunny, don't you think this is one of our best pranks yet?" I asked him, the smirk never once faltering on my face plates._

_"It could be," He deviously smirked back at me._

_Jazz held the microphone as he smoothly talked, changing his voice to a higher tone - wow, who knew that Jazz could be such a prankster._

_Oh wait, we knew._

_I grabbed the microphone as Jazz told me that we had to make the wrench shiver somehow, so blowing into the microphone without making any evidence of static, I blew hard enough to make it vibrate - similar to a shiver._

_We could hear what he was saying through a little device we had. So, basically - with my brains and devious personality, we were able to come up with this brilliant plan to mess with the Hatchet._

_We were able to grab his prized wrench earlier that day - which was what we were going to tell 'Bee, but weren't able to - and had placed a small microphone/microchip..ish...thing in the handle and decided to mess with our favourite medic._

_"Okay...are you going to go away or am I going to have to do something about this?" He asked, a hint of desperation evident in his voice._

_Jazz smirked, and said, **"Oh, I think I've got an idea of what you could do..."**_

_I snickered with my twin, and I could both tell we were thinking the same thing, 'That sounds dirty!'_

**_"I want you to throw a party for me...you have to dress as a...a..uhh..."_**_ Jazz looked at us, wondering what to say._

_'Nurse! Femme nurse costume!' Sunstreaker mouthed with his lip components._

_I just kept snickering as Jazz told Ratchet the rest._

_"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?" He screeched so loudly that their was some feedback from the microphone (that was only received on our side) and I had to hold my audio receptors, hopefully wishing that they weren't broken._

_Jazz pleaded into the microphone and said something about being neglected and all that slag, making the medic guilty enough to do it._

_And then it all led up to this._

_I gotta hand it to Jazz, he was certainly useful._

_This prank: We'd soooo get it later, but it was totally and utterly worth it!_

* * *

><p><strong>Normal POV~ After the party~<strong>

"Uh, hey guys..." Sam started as he casually walked towards the two relaxing mechs in the rec room.

"Hey Sam," Sideswipe greeted.

Sunstreaker just nodded his head once in acknowledgement.

"You know how you pulled that prank on Ratch? Well...have you guys even thought of what the aftermath or punishent would be?" He asked, genuinely concerned for the three pranksters.

Jazz came in the room as Sam said that, and answered what they all were thinking, "Aw, nah, man. We' probably just gonna' get extra shifts 'nd duties 'nd whatnot as punishment."

"Oh...well, okay then." Sam shrugged off the topic as they all decided to play a video game.

But little did the three mechs know...that the next day they'd end up getting the roles of a maid, a schoolgirl, and...what was it...a kitty cat?

Oh no, it was not perverted at all.

It was just...amusing.

A little payback from the talking wrench's owner.

* * *

><p><strong>YAY! I'm done my first one-shot. I notice it's kinda longer then other one-shots, but that's meh thing. =) <span>I'm thinking of doing a SECOND CHAPTER, making it a two-shot showing how the twins and Jazz deal with the cosplaying, but I'd only do it if my reviewers want it.<span>**

**Well, there you have it. Ratchet's talking wrench. I hoped it at least made you chuckle a bit.**

**Also, don't complain if something didn't make sense, 'cuz it's mostly a crack-fic, so yea. XD Hoped ya liked it.**


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